The panda then bit the crap out of the guy but non the less, this is awesome! Chinese tourist Zhang Xinyan drank 4 pitchers of beer before jumping into a panda pit at the Beijing Zoo the other day saying he wanted to hug Gu Gu the giant 6 year-old panda. Very sweet gesture but Gu Gu decided to sink his blood thirsty fangs into Zhang’s arm instigating Zhang to then bite him back.

They later made up and banged each other. Talk about beer goggles!

ESPN.com reports that Mark R. Downs Jr., a Pennsylvania tee-ball coach, was convicted of corruption of minors and criminal solicitation to commit simple assault, after he allegedly offered to pay one of his players $25 to hit a 9-year-old autistic teammate with a ball while warming up before a June 2005 playoff game, so the challenged child could not play.  Downs actually avoided more serious charges, because the jury felt the autistic boy did not suffer serious enough bodily harm.

To all readers: this IS serious.  Let’s run through this quick.  A guy is in the playoffs, coaching a team of 9-year-olds, and decides that a mentally and physically challenged player on his team is holding back the performance of the team as a whole.  Subsequently, he decides this game is important enough to him that he would rather purposely injure a mentally and physically challenged 9-year-old than say, “Whatever happens, happens.  After all, it’s only 9-year-olds that want to have fun.”  Anyone else think this guy is a shoe-in for Hell?  I don’t know if he was planning on going there, but he just got bumped to the front of the line. 

As a sidenote, I’m glad to see that the citizens of our country are thinking clearly too.  I mean, the jury sat down and looked at this case and essentially thought to themselves, “Well, the kid wasn’t injured THAT badly.  Let’s not give this guy a hard time, we’ve all been in the position where we wanted to bean an autistic kid to win a 9-year-old tee-ball playoff game.”  Classy.  Good times.

So some 22 year-old Arizona chick on Myspace saw a girl’s picture on her boyfriends “Top 8″ or whatever and got really pissy. So pissy that she hired an undercover hit man for a whopping $400. Heather Michelle Kane said she would even give the guy a whole 100 bucks once the job is done. I guess she really wanted it done right….I mean 500 bones? Thats sweet. I don’t know who I feel worse for, the guy because his girlfriend is a complete psycho or the girl who’s life is only worth a 1/2 a grand. Here’s the full story.

By the way, if anyone out there can find her myspace profile or his send it to me and I will love you long time.

CNN.com reports that Gary Weddle of Ephrata, Washington will continue to not shave until Bin Laden is captured. You could also title this story as ‘he continues to resemble Osama Bin Laden’ until Bin Laden is caught. Seriously, if you wrapped a towel around this guy’s skull he would be Osama’s twin. Not sure if that’s what he’s going for but if so, it seems alittle weird. Is Osama really in the states pretending to be a US patriot? Would make sense and is a great cover for him.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. Let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane. That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.  Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go back to the office, do we? I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. “I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.    

I SWEAR TO GOD this is real. It was on the homepage of CNN.com this morning. Apparently, the Iranians have been running “war games” in preparation for armageddon or something. Anyway.. this was the picture they showed. Man, I can’t wait to kick their asses. If the best they have is some jackass with a bazooka on a moped, I don’t think we’ll have too much trouble kicking the sh*t out of Tehran.

Is it just me or is this guys head freakishly big for his body?!? Seriously. He looks like a 10 year old boy with an enourmous man head. Ick. Like it’s not creepy enough that he has a cold, unfeeling, glaring stare of a child molestor.

On a more serious note, though, I think this guy is smart. Too smart. Something tells me the Thai police were less than diligent or thorough when arresting Karr and anything he’s said to date (namely confessing to raping and killing Jon Benet) will be inadmissable in court sans Miranda.

I’ll bet the second his huge noggin barrels through the gates of LAX, he’ll clam up tighter than a virgin in Iowa on a Sunday (I don’t know what that means either.. I’m reachin’). It’ll take a jack hammer to crack that skull and get him to talk. Yeah.

One thing is for certain though… his head is huge. And if freaks me out… a lot. 

Back then, I only had a BB gun (lame) and… well… an actual can of WD-40 and a lighter. It would have been so much easier to terrorize squirrels, butterflies, birds and the occiasional annoying neighbor kid with this thing.  Kids these days…

By Mr. Joshua
“File under Exploding Boobs”

Uhh.. ok. I have a couple of questions. One, what the hell are “snooker balls”? Two, why would you put them in socks? And three, why would you use that analogy to describe your own boobs?

Ahh.. your boobs exploded! Well, then… that totally makes sense.

Wait. Your boobs EXPLODED?!? Man.. that sucks. Apparently, Sveta Johnson is the dumbest person alive. Read the article for more.

Jesus Christ. Are you effin kidding me?

Gatorade, a shoe string, Pepto Bismol and an iPod. Who knew you could bring down a 747 with just that. If you ask me…  sounds desperate. Suddenly, I’m not so scared.

Maybe if they had a sweet Swiss Army Knife, they mighta pulled if off.