These are real websites. Aparently, the people who registered the domain names are completely effin retarded.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
http://www.speedofart.com/ - my personal favorite..

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
http://www.gotahoe.com/

Hallelujah! The FDA is making it easier for women to get ‘Plan B’, the morning after pill. They are saying broads can now get these things over-the-counter like Tic Tacs.

This sweet little pill has saved me plenty of times. Although ‘Plan C’ has worked just as fine; a swift punch in the baby maker! 

Is it just me or is this guys head freakishly big for his body?!? Seriously. He looks like a 10 year old boy with an enourmous man head. Ick. Like it’s not creepy enough that he has a cold, unfeeling, glaring stare of a child molestor.

On a more serious note, though, I think this guy is smart. Too smart. Something tells me the Thai police were less than diligent or thorough when arresting Karr and anything he’s said to date (namely confessing to raping and killing Jon Benet) will be inadmissable in court sans Miranda.

I’ll bet the second his huge noggin barrels through the gates of LAX, he’ll clam up tighter than a virgin in Iowa on a Sunday (I don’t know what that means either.. I’m reachin’). It’ll take a jack hammer to crack that skull and get him to talk. Yeah.

One thing is for certain though… his head is huge. And if freaks me out… a lot. 

Pictures of this season’s contestants of American’s Next Top Model were released this week…and they suck. I feel like they’re just not caring who the contestants are. Or maybe TBanks is such a B that she can’t have girls on her show that are prettier than her.

This is typical UPN 9 programming, 3rd rate quality at best. I mean, look at these girls. They’re just ok…some are kinda gross.

News came today that Google will be the exclusive search provider of Myspace paying News Corp $900 million. Wait, let me get this straight. Just about a year ago Myspace sold for a little over $500 million dollars. Since then, the original investors have tried to sue Tom over the sale saying they could have gotten more from News Corp if they held out. Now, News Corp has made back every penny of that purchase plus $300 million just over a year later. WHAT!

Tom you are a very, very silly rich man. I hate you.

A local TV station in Buffalo NY reports that a Marine, who lost his arm and leg in Iraq, got mugged outside a restaurant the other night. The poor guy was out on a date with his wife enjoying a nice evening together when five guys approached them, beat them up and ran away with 500 bucks. Then it was tear time.

“How ’bout this heat?”

Shut up, you monkey nut. I’m near the breaking point and we’re only 2 days into this crap. I don’t like talking about the weather when it’s nice outside let alone when the fires of hell have made their way to the surface. And I certainly don’t feel like discussing it with some poor/homeless guy with his shirt pulled up to his nipples. Freak.

Still, I’ve managed to find a few bright spots to this heat wave.. thought I’d share them with you:

1. I have a great excuse to be drinking a beer at 9:30 AM.
“Mr. Joshua, is that a beer?”, my boss inquired.
“Yes. Yes it is. First of many,” I replied.
“You can’t drink that here!”
“Uhh.. it’s really hot outside… have you been?”
“It’s against policy!”
“Sooooo you haven’t been outside?”
“This is totally unacceptable!”
“Did you teleport to work or something?”
“You’re FIRED!!”
“Sweeet.. glug glug glug.. ahhhhhhhhh.”

2. There are no old people around.
Old people run for the hills in this heat. Well.. actually, they don’t run anywhere. They actually hole up in their nursing homes. The point is, they aren’t on the streets, getting in my way. That’s a good thing considering I’m usually close to pushing or shoving them anyway. In this stank, wretched climate I’d be prone to curse out and/or severly beat anyone with a walker that got in my way of sprinting from air conditioned store to air conditioned store. I now understand why so many old people die during heatwaves.

3. I have a reason to go to Old Navy
I hate Old Navy. Their clothes are made for 12 year olds and fat people (my two least favorite segments of the population). But they do keep their stores near artic temperatures. The must have air conditioners the size of 747 engines blowing in the back. Perfect for a quick cool down. Oh… and I can make fun of fat people. Major bonus.

4. Even hippies take to shower.
In this stank, dripping, steaming stench even hippies can’t get enough patchouli on fast enough to cover up the BO. I was standing next to a hippie in the elevator on my way home (you know, after being fired) and was pleasantly suprised by the lack of stink.
“Hippie, did you shower today?”, I inquired.
“Ha.. yeah, dude.. it’s so hot man,” the hippie replied.
“Fascinating.”
“Yeah, man. My apartment doesn’t have air conditioning.”
“I don’t care.”
“Why are you such a jerk, man?”
“Shut up.”

5. This girl.
Yeah. She was just hanging around Unions Square, you know next to where the bamboo and palm trees are. All hot and whatnot… honest.

By Mr. Joshua
“It’s so hot… milk was a bad choice.”

So help me… if I hear one more idiot remark about how it’s going to feeeeel like 115 degrees today I’m gonna lose it. I’ll tell you what it feeeeels like… it feeeeels like my balls are hanging down to my knees. If feeeeels like my ass crack is slicker than a hooker’s vagina on a Friday night. It feeeeels like my eyeballs are gonna dry up like two raisins and rattle around in my skull.

It’s AUGUST… in NYC…  Lance Bass’ hair gel is melting faster than an Eskimo Pie on the equator and the asphalt is melting faster than that!

Go get your effin Starbuck’s Iced-mocha-hot-butt-mud-with-extra-donkey-nuts frappacino and shut the hell up. You smell and you’re in my way.

P.S. On the plus side.. girls in the city are wearing next to nothing. Big win.

The following is a true 911 phone call:

Dispatcher: 911 do you need fire, medical or police? 
 

Caller: No ma’am I don’t. I don’t have an emergency. Two police officers just left my house just now. Can I get their names please?

Caller: Honey, I’m just going to be honest with you OK. I just thought he was cute. I’m 45 years old and I’d like to meet him again. And I don’t know how to go about doing it, without calling 911.

Caller: I know this is not absolutely in any way, shape or form an emergency, but if you would give the officers my number and ask him to come back, other than I know they have terrible lots of things to do in Aloha…um, would you mind?

Dispatcher: I’ll give him the message to call you.

Caller: Thank you very much. Bye, bye.

The deputy came back and arrested her for making a false 911 call.

Dudash is now facing $6,000 in fines and a year in jail for calling the wrong date line.

 I have been going to McDonalds since I was a little kid.  Everyone has been to McDonalds in their life and has ordered a BigMac, Quarter Pounder with Cheese or Egg McMuffin.  These are classics.  Anytime there is a new item on the menu its never good and it never lasts. Ok fine i actually love the McGriddle.  For some reason though when i eat it i have chest pains but whatever its that good.

Soon some McDonalds may be serving McOctopus McDumplings.  You got to be fucking kidding me.  Excuse my language but what are the fuck are these people thinking?  We are in America!  We want to eat like big fat fuckin americans, not like little skinny Japanese people. 

“We’re convinced whatever people find tasty in Japan, people anywhere would find tasty”  Someone actually said that.  I’d love to shove some shit down that persons throat and say somewhere in the world I guarantee someone likes to eat this.  Yes I may have an anger problem.

McDonalds do yourself a favor and don’t do this.

 Ok so I write this whole blog and I realize that I should probably read the story before I write about it.  So the truth is some Japanese guy wants to start a Japanese food chain that has Octupus Dumplings.  Well I suggest that Japanese guy goes back in time to Hiroshima.  Yes thats right I threw in a really bad Japanese joke.