So some 22 year-old Arizona chick on Myspace saw a girl’s picture on her boyfriends “Top 8″ or whatever and got really pissy. So pissy that she hired an undercover hit man for a whopping $400. Heather Michelle Kane said she would even give the guy a whole 100 bucks once the job is done. I guess she really wanted it done right….I mean 500 bones? Thats sweet. I don’t know who I feel worse for, the guy because his girlfriend is a complete psycho or the girl who’s life is only worth a 1/2 a grand. Here’s the full story.

By the way, if anyone out there can find her myspace profile or his send it to me and I will love you long time.

There are so many of these coming in we actually made a new category for all these crazy Japanese game shows. In this one, contestants have to watch someone learning English without laughing. Seems simple enough except the guy learning is retarded or something… punishment for laughing: you get caned.

If they tried doing this here in the US they would all be put in jail for the rest of thier lives….either that or sentenced to death.

I think Stephen Hawking must have made these comments about colonizing the moon or Mars before it’s too late, after he saw this Myspace profile for Spam. After all Hawking is a big Myspace guy with no less than 46 profiles of his own.

I’m sure his theory that we are on the brink of the end is partly due to the fact that someone in Austin, Minnesota had NOTHING better to do one night than stay up late and put up this profile for spam. Therefore time must no longer have any value and the end is near.

Just look, Spam guy/gal has taken the time to research the history of Spam, even put together an Elegant Potato Spam Casserole recipe to temp your tummy. MMM

And of course Spam has friends! Sardines, Pigs Feet, and Potted Meat. What’s wrong with you people!!!! You should be taking shirtless pictures of yourselves in your bathroom mirror and hollaring at people bout their biznezz.

So pack your bags and snack because time is dead and people care more about a canned-meat product than hooking up….or at least trying. But I don’t know what’s worse, the guy who put up this profile, or me for writing about it and wasting more time. Ugh. Game over. 

When I was a kid and my friends and I got into some kind of trouble that landed us in a heap of shit my mom would inevitably ask the age-old question, “Well, if everybody jumped off a bridge, would you jump also?” And the answer, in my adolescent days, would probably have been “Yes, I would jump off a bridge if everyone else was.” Fine, you don’t know any better at that age, and that doesn’t make it ok, but you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others right? So you would hope that by the time you’re an adult you’ll have a decent enough filter to know right from wrong.

Apparently that’s not the case because somehow many adult men think it’s acceptable to take a picture of themselves with their shirts off to use for their Myspace profile when they’ve surly seen the tragedy that is the shirtless profile pic that is rampant on Myspace.

Dudes…..just because one guy did it….doesn’t mean you should too. Don’t jump off that bridge….please. Do us all a favor gents and keep your tops on no matter how ripped YOU think your abs are. If you’re snapping shots in your poorly lit, roach-coach basement apartment, do yourself a favor and keep the shirt on. No amount of Photoshop can hide your desperation.

Going bare chested won’t hide the fact that, sorry, but you’re kind of a loser. You couldn’t even find a friend to help you take your photo; you had to either hold the camera yourself or put it on the desk and hit the self timer. It comes off completely desperate and pathetic, like a little mouse that just ate a plate full of D-Con but has just enough life to claw his way under your radiator to die and stink up your apartment for a week.

There are exceptions to the rule though. If it happens to be a snap shot of you at the beach or something like that and you happen to have your shirt off….well I can deal with that. Or if it’s a joke, like this guy who took the time to set up a Myspace profile just to have this great snapshot of himself with “I love beer,” written across his chest. He doesn’t care, that’s what makes it funny.

Bottom line, if you find yourself asking the question, “Shirt or no shirt?” You SHOULD now know the answer! We can only hope.

I’m all for doing whatever the hell it is you want to do. If you want to pretend to be Akasha Queen of the Damn then go for it. Be the best damn dark princess you can be and suck blood till you burst. I don’t really get it but whatever, everyone’s got their quirks. And to have at these dark power, gothicy types who are really just well-to-do pimply kids trying to find a place to fit in, is just too easy because Myspace has them by the coffin full. But what killed me about Akasha’s web page, besides the obvious cheese of the whole thing, was a comment posted by her fellow darky, Dragon (Ravenclaw)  -represented of course by a photo of Johnny Depp. 

Well hello my queen Akasha as you have slept so long how are you finding the world of mortals? I am in need of fresh blood to fulfill my pleasures in darkness……well have a happy Easterand I hope to find you well….your dear friend D”

Have a happy Easter! Wait, wait, wait….Problem number one, Dragon goes from talking about drinking fresh blood to wishing his dark princess a happy easter. And problem two, that implies that the Queen of the Damned is Christian? Is she out back having an Easter egg hunt with the kids? I would imagine if she wants to maintain some dark princess credibility she would at least have to put some little bitey snakes in the plastic eggs, or dye some hard boils with her victim’s blood.  The image of  the dark princess sitting around a big dinner table carving up an Easter Ham with grandma just sort of kills her darkness….unless of course she stabs everyone in the throat and then helps herself to the Brussel sprouts.

Thanks Akasha and Dragon, you’ve spoiled my faith in the dark powers…..way to keep it real!p>

oh..I almost forgot…Here is Dragon……ooohhh