ALTERNATE TITLE: Joe Francis gets owned!

No really. He really is my hero. Has been for a while now. Unlike most of the ”heros” that I ritualistically sacrifice to the you-are-as-smart-as-a-pile-dog-shit gods… this guy is a bonifide champ in my book. Oh sure.. if I actually met him I’d wanna punch his lights out.. but that would be more motivated by jealous rage than anything else. And I’m not the only one. Given the latest ruling against his production company, it’s obvious that others are out to get him as well. The reasoning is simple.

You see… he’s like the popular guy in high school. You know.. the one that had the best sports car.. dated the prettiest girls.. partied like a hooker in AC every weekend. You wanted to be him. But because you weren’t him, you keyed his car and made disparaging remarks in the men’s room stall about the girls he dated.

But I degress…

Let’s look at the brighter side. Let’s look at what this man has done for society. That’s right.. college girls, hundreds of them… nay, THOUSANDS of them making out with each other and bearing their naughty jumbly parts for all the world to see. I salute you, sir!

Does anyone out there have better pictures of Queen Rania Al-Abldullah of Jordan? She’s so hot but I can’t find any good sexy shots of her….please help a brother out and upload them to the site under her tag…you’ll be my hero!

By Mr. Joshua
“CRICKEY! That’s gonna leave a mark…”

Alright, alright… I know this guy was a pretty stand-up-bloke if you know what I mean.. caring dad, respected conservationist, yada yada.. so I’ll be a little less harsh than usual. That said though, I think everyone would agree that he was a complete nut-bag… even for an Australian. I’ve met some crazy Australians (albeit the hard drinking female variety) and this guy leaves them in the dust. 

But the saddest part of this whole story is the fact that he was killed by a fricken stingray. Yeah, I know. They sound scary as hell… they look scary as hell… but the fact is, they are the ocean’s equivalent of an oversized guppy. They eat clams and worms for pete’s sake. And Steve Irwin is now officially the only human being on the planet to ever be killed by one (seriously, look it up).

Why couldn’t he have been eaten by a crocodile, strangled by a python or stampeded to death by charging rhinoceros… anything but a fricken stingray.

Still, I admire that crazy Aussie bastard. As I said before.. he seemed a decent enough fellow.  To commemorate him, I hear by decree today, September, 4th -  “Crazy Australian Nature Guy Day”. Basically, I’m gonna tag about 10 Fosters’ oil cans then head up to the aquarium at the Bronx zoo and beat the shit outta some stingray… here’s to ya mate!

This is awesome news. I love when people are complete morons.

+ = ?

By Mr. Joshua
“I saw a bright light… I thought we were on..” - Keith Richards after the nuclear holocust (with all the other insects that survived).

A round of congratulations is in order. No, seriously. A great injustice will soon be swept from the history books. The innocent will be vindicated and an abusive government will be held accountable all because one man has the balls to stand up and make things right.

This week, Arkansas governor – Mad Mike “I heart” Huckabee – has granted clemency to Keith “I can’t form a sentence before 3pm ” Richards for a reckless driving violation from 31 YEARS AGO!!

Reckless driving? Yeah… a traffic violation… an OLD traffic violation to an equally OLD crack head. Apparently the arresting officer had it all wrong… Keith wasn’t swerving his car because he was intoxicated as the police report stated. No, no. Turns out he was swerving his car because he was getting a BJ from the passenger, rolling a doobie, making pancakes AND rippin’ a sweet riff on his guitar all while driving with his toes. No alcohol involved. Cop had it all wrong. I mean, come on… I’d have a hard time driving in a straight line, too.

And while I’m on the topic, I just can’t resist. Doesn’t it look like Keith is wearing that headband to hide the staples holding the skin to his skull? I guess that diet of 8 shots of heroin a day is really working out. I hear it’s really good for your spleen. And let’s face it… with a healthy spleen you could live forever.

But I digress…

Back to the matter at hand… wouldn’t you think the state of Arkansas would have more pressing matters to attend to? Say… oh, I don’t know…how about trying to curb the population of inbred retards stumbling out of the state? Maybe teaching the average 35 year old male how to say his ABC’s should make the short list? No?

Gawd.. if only I ran the world..

By Mr. Joshua
“God I’m thirsty. Pass the vodka.. and watch out for that pot-hole.”

Now normally, you’d probably hear me rant about how dumb Peter Coors is for getting a DUI (considering he owns his own brewery and all), but the irony is just too obvious… even for me. Also, I’m not exactly against the whole idea of cruising with a “road soda”. I mean, seriously… we all do it. Some of us a little more than others (a group to which I admittedly belong) but Peter, Peter, Peter… this isn’t 1975.

Back then “drinking-and-driving” was an Olympic Sport reserved for the upper echelon of coordinated drunkards. ”Having-a-few-on-the-way-to-the-grocery-store” was an openly accepted practice by backwoods rednecks everywhere. Back then… if you were pulled over, reeking of Schlitz and slobbering drunkanese, all you’d have to do was pinkie swear with the cop that you’d drive home carefully and he’d let you off the hook.

Not today my friend. No sir. Today you have to be a little more careful, buddy. Get pulled over today with strong mouthwash on your breath and a SWAT team will pounce on you, drag you from your car (beating you senseless all the while) and toss you in the drunk tank with all the other degenerates devoted to personal hygiene.

Yeah, Pete.. the times they are a changin. But that doesn’t mean you have to bend over and take it from the man. Just remember Mr. Coors:

Drinking and Driving is like everything else in life. The more you do it… the better you get at it.

By Mr. Joshua
“I took a crap in my pants more interesting than that.”

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica¹, the average male rhinoceros testicle is the size of a softball and weighs in around 3 lbs. I guess that explains why Marc Ecko decided to use the rhinoceros as the logo for his clothing line. Not only does it imbue the wearer with a feeling of strength and confidence, but it also seems representative of Mr. Ecko’s own ego. After all, the guy must have a serious set of cahonies on him to TAG AIR FORCE ONE!!

That’s right, you read right. Marc Ecko – in a fit of civil libertarian rage – jumped a fence and spray painted the side of Air Force One with his mark (“Still Free”), video tapped the entire episode and put it on the internet for all to see. Right on, dude! Way to stick it to the Man! I love stickin’ it to the man! Yeah… stick it…

In this modern age of eroding civil rights and with governmental encroachment peeking around every corner like a pervert at the playground, it’s refreshing to see someone take a stand. Someone with a voice and a vision to take the time and really spell out how it…

Wait a second…

Hold on, hold on…

What’s this…

“Marc Ecko Enterprises does not condone illegal activity, acts of vandalism, or the destruction of other people’s property.”

Marc… baby, come on. Little hypocritical don’t you think? I mean here you are, vandalizing Air Force one for the sake of protesting some law in NYC that bans 18 year olds from doing the same. Aren’t you?

Holy crap!! I’ve been had. Shiestered. Swindled. Dupped. Bamboozled. (I love thesaurus.com)

“You, the viewer of the preceeding [yes, their lawyers misspelled “preceding”] are hereby advised that the video does not depict a real event. It is intended for the sole, limited and express purpose of entertainment and to induce you, the viewer of the video, to think critically about freedom of expression and speech and the government’s responses to the same.”

The only thing I’m critically examining is Marc Ecko’s blatant use of propaganda (you heard me –depicting false and inaccurate portrayals through the media for the purposes of propagating a one-sided, narrowly defined point of view - propaganda) to defend a bunch of hoodlums that would probably graffiti their grandmothers foreheads if they had the chance.

And, on further consideration of the matter, I get the sneaking suspicion this whole episode resulted from a meeting with some VERY expensive advertising firm. And that meeting started out by someone asking, “So, everyone… how do we sell more sweatshirts?”

Poser, punk bitch.

By Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Hello everyone! Beasley here. You may know me from such blogs as “The David Blaine…thing sucked balls!” and other sucks balls entries but I figured I would stop by the Hero of the Week column and talk about my own hero of the week. My balls. Gonads if you will. Hairy, hairy peices of hanging man skin and stuff.

Yeah, their not bad. Not bad at all actually.

Well, that’s about it folks. God speed.

By Mr. Joshua
“It’s not easy being me.”

Wow. What an eye opener. All of you proud parents of potential college students must be quaking in your boots. I mean, seriously. That college fund you’ve slaved under for the last 18 years won’t even scratch the surface of the modern costs of education. Factor in Timmy or Suzy’s indiscretions while at school and that hard earned money won’t even amount to an ant hill.  

Financial Planning 101 - Let’s take Mr. Finnerty and Mr. Seligmann’s alma mater as an example. According to the Duke University website, the cost of tuition is $45,000 which covers housing, books and administrative fees. That covers the basics. What about Timmy’s transportation? Don’t think for a second that Mr. Finnerty and Mr. Seligmann don’t have their own shiny new BMW’s. Cha ching! That’s another $35,000. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. Now add in expenses for hookers, a healthy drug habit and a dash of alcoholism and you’re easily pushing another $20,000. Where was your financial adviser 15 years ago?

There’s more.  Imagine… ohhh… I don’t know… Timmy and his friends decide to have a party and, just for the sake of example, “sexually assault, rape and kidnap” one of those hookers mentioned above. Yowser! $400,000 for bail!! Legal fees in excess of $100,000!!

I can feel the quivering, cold sweat through the screen as you read this. Who knew a college education in America could top $600,000!! Your financial adviser should be hung!!

And the worst part is, once he beats the rap (and why shouldn’t he for $100,000+), Timmy won’t even be able to get a job after school. You’ll be greasing the palms of your friends till Timmy is in his forties, just to get him an interview. Even then, the first question out of the interviewer’s mouth will likely be, “Hey, aren’t you that kid that was all over the news for raping a prostitute while drunk and high?”

Ahhh… the folly of youth.