Beasley J. Lichtenstein 

Hey gang! Beasley here again. Just to let you know before I start, this will not be about my balls. Ok, so I found out about an hour ago that submarine sandwiches are really only good for about a day. I bought a foot long sub from Subway on Monday (for those of you who don’t know Monday is Ham and Turkey day at Subway) and just ate it today after it sat in my cold dank fridge for 2 days. The worst part is not the fact that I want to kill myself right now because the pain in my upper intestine is about as nice as a BJ from a lawnmower, but it was that I got “the works” on it and the bun was completely soggy and falling apart in my hands. I still ate it for some reason.

Just thinking about it makes my want to vomit. Jared over at Subway didn’t warn me that his shit sandwiches don’t last 48 hours. It’s like when they serve the meat from that place its already on its last leg. No wonder the crap sandwhich only cost me 3 bucks.  

Thanks for your time people!

Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Hey gang, Beasley here. You ever take a #5 or even a 6-er? On your way to the bathroom, your buddy ever ask you, “Yo, you doin a #1 or #2?” and you look him straight in the face and just shake your head while trying to plug your butt with your cupped right hand like its a dam holding back the flow of the nile? Me too. That’s when its more than just a #1 or a #2. When it really has to come out. The mere force of the poop flow could pearce the back of the porceline john. The best part is at that point you really enjoy your own poop stink.

By Beasley J Lichtensein

It’s soooo fixed….my balls that is. Oh, I mean American Idol. That sh*t is soooo fixed….my guybag. Ok, seriously, how does Chris get voted off? Somone please tell me…how my nuts look. He was by far the best singer out of everyone. I mean, c’mon. My hog is nice!

Who does the voting for this show? Are they same people who vote for our presidents? If so, then they have 3 toofs and haven’t showered in 2 weeks. And when I say 2 weeks and mean 2 weeks and 1 day. Seriously. Gross. So Elliott is better than Chris? Is that what they are saying? And Taylor, who looks like a 20-something year-old-guy with grey hair. I mean, thats just weird.

So basically, I’m not watching AI for the remainder of the season unless next week’s theme is ‘Katherine gets naked, gets water poured on her by a boobed out, drunk Paula while singing songs with lyrics that are just moans’. Oh and ‘Taylor, Elliott and the guy I lost $500 to because I bet on Chris to win, all die a slow death’. I’m in! 

By Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Well, I’m sure you’ve all seen it, heard about it, cared, didn’t care, masturbated, whatever. I thought it sucked! I mean who really cares if this guy can hold his breath?! I mean, c’mon this guy is a friggin magician right!?….do some magic tricks you cock bag!! Here’s my question; what the hell were thousands of people doing in NYC watching this thing live at the Lincoln Center? Why the hell were they taking time out of their day to see if this guy can hold his breath? The worst part is, as the camera panned through the crowd at one point, I actually saw a guy crying as they dragged Blaine’s soggy limp body out of the water! What the F?! Are you serious!? The last time I saw a guy cry over an amazing human feat was as I looked at myself in the mirror the other day after an hour long ass pounding from my roommate Eric…seriously….good times.

So this got me thinking. What the hell else is out there? What kinds of things do people do to try and break world records? So I went to the Guinness Book website and found some pretty interesting things that I just have to share.

#1 Most Layers of Paint on a Ball - what? what does this even mean? Apparently the most layers on a ball is approximately 17,994 on a baseball owned by some douche’ named Michael Carmichael from Indiana. Him and his wife had been painting this ball since 1977 and has a circumference of like 9 feet.  We also hear that this guy is now actually working on his own balls and plans on having his wife paint his gonads for the next 5 years to try and break the “most paint on a set of nuts record”. Please someone kill these two people.

#2 Largest Game of Poohsticks - Uhm, yyyyyeah. You can’t make this stuff up. The largest game of Poohsticks was played on the River Tweed from the Chain Bridge, Horncliffe, on the Scottish Borders, UK. A total of 2,313 Poohsticks were launched from the bridge to sail downriver to Paxton House Boathouse on July 22, 2000. I don’t even know what to say. Please someone tell me a Poohstick is similar to what doctors call “shit”.

#3 Longest Ear Hair - Why would anyone want this record? I know! Some freak show from India…..Ding Ding Ding!! At what point in your life do you say to yourself, “ya know, i’m gonna grow my ear hair out and break some freakin records!” Radhakant Bajpai of Naya, Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India (god bless you) has hair sprouting from the center of his outer ears that measure an incredible 13.2 centimeters or 5.19 inches. “Making it to the Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family,” said Radhakant. “God has been very kind to me.” What!?

Till next time… Beasley, out!