“Now more than ever,” says Al Queda spokeperson Abu Al-Amin, “will we try and kill even more people.” He continues, “If 100 people are born today, then we will kill 101!”. In a show of solidarity to keep the World’s population under Tuesday’s projection of a whopping 300 million Al-Amin defies the world’s procreators by calling all suicide bombers, war criminals and doctors to kill as many people as possible to fight against the World’s growing population.

“Now more than ever, people are living longer and having more babies. Soon the human race as we know it will cease to exist because there will be too many mouths to feed and too little resources. When will the time come when there is no more oxygen left to breath? When there is no more land to grow vegetables or allow cows to graze? Will evolution build us a different bread of humans who can get all of thier nutrition from tiny pills and don’t need to breath? Sign me up!