“How ’bout this heat?”

Shut up, you monkey nut. I’m near the breaking point and we’re only 2 days into this crap. I don’t like talking about the weather when it’s nice outside let alone when the fires of hell have made their way to the surface. And I certainly don’t feel like discussing it with some poor/homeless guy with his shirt pulled up to his nipples. Freak.

Still, I’ve managed to find a few bright spots to this heat wave.. thought I’d share them with you:

1. I have a great excuse to be drinking a beer at 9:30 AM.
“Mr. Joshua, is that a beer?”, my boss inquired.
“Yes. Yes it is. First of many,” I replied.
“You can’t drink that here!”
“Uhh.. it’s really hot outside… have you been?”
“It’s against policy!”
“Sooooo you haven’t been outside?”
“This is totally unacceptable!”
“Did you teleport to work or something?”
“You’re FIRED!!”
“Sweeet.. glug glug glug.. ahhhhhhhhh.”

2. There are no old people around.
Old people run for the hills in this heat. Well.. actually, they don’t run anywhere. They actually hole up in their nursing homes. The point is, they aren’t on the streets, getting in my way. That’s a good thing considering I’m usually close to pushing or shoving them anyway. In this stank, wretched climate I’d be prone to curse out and/or severly beat anyone with a walker that got in my way of sprinting from air conditioned store to air conditioned store. I now understand why so many old people die during heatwaves.

3. I have a reason to go to Old Navy
I hate Old Navy. Their clothes are made for 12 year olds and fat people (my two least favorite segments of the population). But they do keep their stores near artic temperatures. The must have air conditioners the size of 747 engines blowing in the back. Perfect for a quick cool down. Oh… and I can make fun of fat people. Major bonus.

4. Even hippies take to shower.
In this stank, dripping, steaming stench even hippies can’t get enough patchouli on fast enough to cover up the BO. I was standing next to a hippie in the elevator on my way home (you know, after being fired) and was pleasantly suprised by the lack of stink.
“Hippie, did you shower today?”, I inquired.
“Ha.. yeah, dude.. it’s so hot man,” the hippie replied.
“Fascinating.”
“Yeah, man. My apartment doesn’t have air conditioning.”
“I don’t care.”
“Why are you such a jerk, man?”
“Shut up.”

5. This girl.
Yeah. She was just hanging around Unions Square, you know next to where the bamboo and palm trees are. All hot and whatnot… honest.