I think Stephen Hawking must have made these comments about colonizing the moon or Mars before it’s too late, after he saw this Myspace profile for Spam. After all Hawking is a big Myspace guy with no less than 46 profiles of his own.

I’m sure his theory that we are on the brink of the end is partly due to the fact that someone in Austin, Minnesota had NOTHING better to do one night than stay up late and put up this profile for spam. Therefore time must no longer have any value and the end is near.

Just look, Spam guy/gal has taken the time to research the history of Spam, even put together an Elegant Potato Spam Casserole recipe to temp your tummy. MMM

And of course Spam has friends! Sardines, Pigs Feet, and Potted Meat. What’s wrong with you people!!!! You should be taking shirtless pictures of yourselves in your bathroom mirror and hollaring at people bout their biznezz.

So pack your bags and snack because time is dead and people care more about a canned-meat product than hooking up….or at least trying. But I don’t know what’s worse, the guy who put up this profile, or me for writing about it and wasting more time. Ugh. Game over. 

In July 1999, Shridhar Chillal of Poona, India (ha Poon!) had his record-breaking fingernails measured on the set of ‘Guiness World Records: Primetime’. The combined length of the five nails of his left hand were found to be a staggering 6.15 meters or 20 feet and 2.25 inches. Guiness book is quoted as saying, “Shridhar does not grow the nails on his right hand.” Hmmm, is it because he’s busy wailing on his crotch when he’s alone in his stink hut?

‘Guiness’ continues, “His ambition to grow his nails started from a young age. He says, “As a boy, I had an inclination to do something unique and outstanding. One day, I just happened to read about a Chinese saint who grew his nails and thought I could do that to create a world record.” Don’t normal Indians like, do math or something. Maybe even something in computers? I don’t know. Nails?

Apparantly, Mr. Poona has been growing his claws for friggin 48 years. Oh, and now his hand is permanently disfigured because he’s had to support the weight of his freak nails. Oh and he’s now def in his left ear from some kind of nerve damage. I guess its worth having a lobster claw on the end of your arm and being half def for all that fame. I don’t know how he handles all the papperazzi.

This is a follow up on my very insightful blahg about Ken Lay’s death. Well, if the speculation of a faked death could not get even more real, news has just come out that Ken Lay’s body will be cremated. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!

CNN reports here  how this guy is totally getting away with it. His family will be holding a “private” ceremony in Colorado for the cremation. This could also be interpretted as “His family will be gassing up his private jet and packing his swim trunks and flip flops for his life sentence to Cabo.”

It couldn’t be more obvious! So not only is he avoiding jail time but he’s now also avoiding an actual burial which would have been the only way anyone could confirm that he was dead and in the coffin when the dirt piled on top of him.

Ken, seriously, if you get away with this I will deem you as my hero, replacing my great grandfather who faught two wars and won 3 purple hearts. 

Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Hey gang, Beasley here. This just came across my desk this afternoon; the sister of Jessica Simpson, Maggie I think, will be the spokemodel for Victoria Secret’s new college line of sexy clothing. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought she was a big stupid c*nt.

This crazy news got me in the research mood so I hopped online and searched all records of Maggie Simpson and nothing of the sorts came up. I did find some nice shots of her though. Here’s a picture of her if you don’t know who I’m talking about.

Let me know if you guys hear anything else.

Later guys.

Pun intended!! woooo hoooo!!! HaaaaaaaaaaAaa Ha Ha, LOL, Ha ha ha!!!

So the guy who stole millions from Joe Average and Mrs. Josephine Averagesteinberg had a major heart attack and croaked. Poor guy. I’m never one to make fun of people dying but this guy had it coming. He must of had so much guilt that his black moldy blood pump just crippled under the pressure of knowling getting butt plowed in prison for the next gaggillion years. Now thats money in the bank Mr. Cash Sacks! Anal!