Mel Gibson? More like Boozey McBeerson! What a load of booze this guy is!

I’ve just come across a secret photo of him when he got pulled over for his DUI.

I can tell by this exclusive never-before-seen image that Mr. Beerson himself was under the influence of some sort of toxin when he was stopped by the police. He was also seen with some sort of weapon as he berated the cops and tried to kill them as he rode off on his horse.

…because the old ones didn’t kill good enough? The AP reports here that Hezzbolah is now using new rockets aimed at the Isrealis. Kathy Gannon writes “The guerrillas said they used the Khaibar-1 - named after the site of a historic battle between Islam’s Prophet Muhammad and Jewish tribes in the Arabian peninsula - to strike the Israeli town of Afula.”

What? Who?

The AP continues that ‘through this new fighting’ Hezzbolah has “full belief in God’s victory”. Does God even know what a bomb is? Was God conducting mass car bombings with his apostle buddies back in the day? Last time he saw confrontation his weapons were soft spoken ”verses”. Seriously, he tried doing the whole “hey guys lets talk it out” thing with a bunch of guys who wanted to nail him to a piece of wood. Let’s put that one in the Bad Idea column. Or wait, that was da Jebus..ah who cares.

Here we go again. According to Guinness Book, Vivian Wheeler of Wood River, Illinois grew a full beard after the death of her mother in 1990. This record is also filed under Oddest Ways to Mourn the Loss of a Loved One and Biggest Freak Show.

Guinness continues by saying the longest strand from the follicle to the tip of the hair messures 27.9 cm or 11 inches in 2000. Apparantly this great idea was spawned by not only her mother’s death and 3 failed marriages but also the ever haunting demands by her father to “shave her face”. She needed to rebel. 10 years later and a stinky nest on her face, she won in the end.

Vivian, as Guinness states, prefers to “tie her beard up, which allows her to continue with her day-to-day activities” which consists of scaring the hell out of people. 

Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Hey gang, Beasley here. So I know there are a lot of people talking about this whole Floyd Landis steriods thing and I’ve actually got exclusive pictures of him doping up before Stage 17. I know I know… You’re asking yourself how Beasley of all people got his hands on this shot… lets just say ‘When in Rome’.

Go to the photo section…you’ll find it. God speed and go F yourself.

No F-ing way this guy is gay! Are you to tell me that a guy who goes by the name of ‘Lance’ is gay? You’re all nuts! If he were gay, as you all say he is, I volunteer to put someone’s nads in my mouth and juggle them around with my tongue for 5 minutes. I will take this one step further…if he is in fact a homosexual as reported, I will make it my life long goal to sleep with him. Seriously, I’m willing to do that to prove to you people that you’re all crazy.

Seriously, I love him.

Movie Guy here.  So I saw Superman Returns.  Maybe it’s because Brandon Routh is so innocent and womanish or maybe it’s because of the “Superman is gay” rumors flying before the film’s release or maybe it’s because Superman, in general, is so goddamn morally healthy.  But did anyone else find themselves, at any point during the film, rooting for the bad guy?  Well I did.  I genuinely wanted to see what would happen if Lex Luthor’s plan would have come to fruition, and I believed it was going to work.  That’s probably because I thought Kevin Spacey did a great job filling Gene Hackman’s shoes as Lex Luthor, a little over-the-top insane, but definitely entertaining.  But more importantly, has there ever been a more predictable character than Superman? 

I don’t think there’s a soul in this world who thought for half a second that Superman wasn’t going to come out on top at the end of the movie.  How could you? He’s effing Superman.  The more than obvious depiction of Superman in the movie as a “savior” and an American icon makes it 100% impossible for any remotely controversial script to come out of this series.  And that’s ok - if you’re a pussy and liked the Care Bears as a child. 

I feel obligated to give credit for the visual effects, really phenomenal.  But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s really difficult to have an interesting, suspenseful plot when everyone knows how it will inevitably end.  This is why, I believe, that I found myself wishing Superman wouldn’t save the day.  Kate Bosworth was a miserable Lois Lane, by the way.  Someone tell that girl to eat something, she looks like Skeletor.

One final note on Brandon Routh.  I read a rumor the other day that Brandon Routh is considering posing naked for Playgirl.  Additionally, he allegedly got pissed at his make-up artist for making him look “wimpy” at a press conference.  I don’t even have a joke here, this is serious.  I’m fairly confident he takes it in the pooper.  So, I guess Superman is gay after all (not that there’s anything wrong with that… geesh).  And he also owes me $10.

By Mr. Joshua
“I saw a bright light… I thought we were on..” - Keith Richards after the nuclear holocust (with all the other insects that survived).

A round of congratulations is in order. No, seriously. A great injustice will soon be swept from the history books. The innocent will be vindicated and an abusive government will be held accountable all because one man has the balls to stand up and make things right.

This week, Arkansas governor – Mad Mike “I heart” Huckabee – has granted clemency to Keith “I can’t form a sentence before 3pm ” Richards for a reckless driving violation from 31 YEARS AGO!!

Reckless driving? Yeah… a traffic violation… an OLD traffic violation to an equally OLD crack head. Apparently the arresting officer had it all wrong… Keith wasn’t swerving his car because he was intoxicated as the police report stated. No, no. Turns out he was swerving his car because he was getting a BJ from the passenger, rolling a doobie, making pancakes AND rippin’ a sweet riff on his guitar all while driving with his toes. No alcohol involved. Cop had it all wrong. I mean, come on… I’d have a hard time driving in a straight line, too.

And while I’m on the topic, I just can’t resist. Doesn’t it look like Keith is wearing that headband to hide the staples holding the skin to his skull? I guess that diet of 8 shots of heroin a day is really working out. I hear it’s really good for your spleen. And let’s face it… with a healthy spleen you could live forever.

But I digress…

Back to the matter at hand… wouldn’t you think the state of Arkansas would have more pressing matters to attend to? Say… oh, I don’t know…how about trying to curb the population of inbred retards stumbling out of the state? Maybe teaching the average 35 year old male how to say his ABC’s should make the short list? No?

Gawd.. if only I ran the world..

The following is a true 911 phone call:

Dispatcher: 911 do you need fire, medical or police? 
 

Caller: No ma’am I don’t. I don’t have an emergency. Two police officers just left my house just now. Can I get their names please?

Caller: Honey, I’m just going to be honest with you OK. I just thought he was cute. I’m 45 years old and I’d like to meet him again. And I don’t know how to go about doing it, without calling 911.

Caller: I know this is not absolutely in any way, shape or form an emergency, but if you would give the officers my number and ask him to come back, other than I know they have terrible lots of things to do in Aloha…um, would you mind?

Dispatcher: I’ll give him the message to call you.

Caller: Thank you very much. Bye, bye.

The deputy came back and arrested her for making a false 911 call.

Dudash is now facing $6,000 in fines and a year in jail for calling the wrong date line.

 I have been going to McDonalds since I was a little kid.  Everyone has been to McDonalds in their life and has ordered a BigMac, Quarter Pounder with Cheese or Egg McMuffin.  These are classics.  Anytime there is a new item on the menu its never good and it never lasts. Ok fine i actually love the McGriddle.  For some reason though when i eat it i have chest pains but whatever its that good.

Soon some McDonalds may be serving McOctopus McDumplings.  You got to be fucking kidding me.  Excuse my language but what are the fuck are these people thinking?  We are in America!  We want to eat like big fat fuckin americans, not like little skinny Japanese people. 

“We’re convinced whatever people find tasty in Japan, people anywhere would find tasty”  Someone actually said that.  I’d love to shove some shit down that persons throat and say somewhere in the world I guarantee someone likes to eat this.  Yes I may have an anger problem.

McDonalds do yourself a favor and don’t do this.

 Ok so I write this whole blog and I realize that I should probably read the story before I write about it.  So the truth is some Japanese guy wants to start a Japanese food chain that has Octupus Dumplings.  Well I suggest that Japanese guy goes back in time to Hiroshima.  Yes thats right I threw in a really bad Japanese joke. 

By Mr. Joshua
“God I’m thirsty. Pass the vodka.. and watch out for that pot-hole.”

Now normally, you’d probably hear me rant about how dumb Peter Coors is for getting a DUI (considering he owns his own brewery and all), but the irony is just too obvious… even for me. Also, I’m not exactly against the whole idea of cruising with a “road soda”. I mean, seriously… we all do it. Some of us a little more than others (a group to which I admittedly belong) but Peter, Peter, Peter… this isn’t 1975.

Back then “drinking-and-driving” was an Olympic Sport reserved for the upper echelon of coordinated drunkards. ”Having-a-few-on-the-way-to-the-grocery-store” was an openly accepted practice by backwoods rednecks everywhere. Back then… if you were pulled over, reeking of Schlitz and slobbering drunkanese, all you’d have to do was pinkie swear with the cop that you’d drive home carefully and he’d let you off the hook.

Not today my friend. No sir. Today you have to be a little more careful, buddy. Get pulled over today with strong mouthwash on your breath and a SWAT team will pounce on you, drag you from your car (beating you senseless all the while) and toss you in the drunk tank with all the other degenerates devoted to personal hygiene.

Yeah, Pete.. the times they are a changin. But that doesn’t mean you have to bend over and take it from the man. Just remember Mr. Coors:

Drinking and Driving is like everything else in life. The more you do it… the better you get at it.