By Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Well, I’m sure you’ve all seen it, heard about it, cared, didn’t care, masturbated, whatever. I thought it sucked! I mean who really cares if this guy can hold his breath?! I mean, c’mon this guy is a friggin magician right!?….do some magic tricks you cock bag!! Here’s my question; what the hell were thousands of people doing in NYC watching this thing live at the Lincoln Center? Why the hell were they taking time out of their day to see if this guy can hold his breath? The worst part is, as the camera panned through the crowd at one point, I actually saw a guy crying as they dragged Blaine’s soggy limp body out of the water! What the F?! Are you serious!? The last time I saw a guy cry over an amazing human feat was as I looked at myself in the mirror the other day after an hour long ass pounding from my roommate Eric…seriously….good times.

So this got me thinking. What the hell else is out there? What kinds of things do people do to try and break world records? So I went to the Guinness Book website and found some pretty interesting things that I just have to share.

#1 Most Layers of Paint on a Ball - what? what does this even mean? Apparently the most layers on a ball is approximately 17,994 on a baseball owned by some douche’ named Michael Carmichael from Indiana. Him and his wife had been painting this ball since 1977 and has a circumference of like 9 feet.  We also hear that this guy is now actually working on his own balls and plans on having his wife paint his gonads for the next 5 years to try and break the “most paint on a set of nuts record”. Please someone kill these two people.

#2 Largest Game of Poohsticks - Uhm, yyyyyeah. You can’t make this stuff up. The largest game of Poohsticks was played on the River Tweed from the Chain Bridge, Horncliffe, on the Scottish Borders, UK. A total of 2,313 Poohsticks were launched from the bridge to sail downriver to Paxton House Boathouse on July 22, 2000. I don’t even know what to say. Please someone tell me a Poohstick is similar to what doctors call “shit”.

#3 Longest Ear Hair - Why would anyone want this record? I know! Some freak show from India…..Ding Ding Ding!! At what point in your life do you say to yourself, “ya know, i’m gonna grow my ear hair out and break some freakin records!” Radhakant Bajpai of Naya, Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India (god bless you) has hair sprouting from the center of his outer ears that measure an incredible 13.2 centimeters or 5.19 inches. “Making it to the Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family,” said Radhakant. “God has been very kind to me.” What!?

Till next time… Beasley, out!