By Mr. Joshua
“I believe in miracles… Where you from? you sexy thing.”

I wish I were a middle aged black man… yeah… that would be cool.

My name would be Jerome or Wallace or Sydney.

I’d speak of the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior and then sing a bitchin’ line from some Marvin Gaye song, all in the same breath.

I’d have black women of all ages referring to me as baby, and let’s face it, there’s NOTHING better than a black women calling you baby. God, I love that.

I would spend all day talking to people in an overly enthusiastic tone, saying things like, “Hey, there!” and “How are ya?!” and “Beautiful day, isn’t it?!”.

Yeah… bitches would dig that.

By Mr. Joshua
“I’m a hipster?! No, no…  you’re a hipster!

I wish I were a Lower East Side Hipster… yeah… that would be cool.

My name would be something like Chet or Bryan or Blake.

I would work as a Barrista at Starbucks during the day, expending the mental energy of a gnat, then spend my evenings railing against the international corporate machine till I was in a rabid lather.

I would shoot heroin through my eyeballs and people would appreciate me for my originality.

I would shuffle through the streets of New York in a half-dead daze wearing jeans that were technically smaller and tighter than my girlfriend’s.

Instead of saying things were cool, I would say things were deck… whatever the hell that means. Yeah… that would be cool… err..uhh… I mean deck.

Yeah… bitches would dig that.

By Mr. Joshua
“I took a crap in my pants more interesting than that.”

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica¹, the average male rhinoceros testicle is the size of a softball and weighs in around 3 lbs. I guess that explains why Marc Ecko decided to use the rhinoceros as the logo for his clothing line. Not only does it imbue the wearer with a feeling of strength and confidence, but it also seems representative of Mr. Ecko’s own ego. After all, the guy must have a serious set of cahonies on him to TAG AIR FORCE ONE!!

That’s right, you read right. Marc Ecko – in a fit of civil libertarian rage – jumped a fence and spray painted the side of Air Force One with his mark (“Still Free”), video tapped the entire episode and put it on the internet for all to see. Right on, dude! Way to stick it to the Man! I love stickin’ it to the man! Yeah… stick it…

In this modern age of eroding civil rights and with governmental encroachment peeking around every corner like a pervert at the playground, it’s refreshing to see someone take a stand. Someone with a voice and a vision to take the time and really spell out how it…

Wait a second…

Hold on, hold on…

What’s this…

“Marc Ecko Enterprises does not condone illegal activity, acts of vandalism, or the destruction of other people’s property.”

Marc… baby, come on. Little hypocritical don’t you think? I mean here you are, vandalizing Air Force one for the sake of protesting some law in NYC that bans 18 year olds from doing the same. Aren’t you?

Holy crap!! I’ve been had. Shiestered. Swindled. Dupped. Bamboozled. (I love thesaurus.com)

“You, the viewer of the preceeding [yes, their lawyers misspelled “preceding”] are hereby advised that the video does not depict a real event. It is intended for the sole, limited and express purpose of entertainment and to induce you, the viewer of the video, to think critically about freedom of expression and speech and the government’s responses to the same.”

The only thing I’m critically examining is Marc Ecko’s blatant use of propaganda (you heard me –depicting false and inaccurate portrayals through the media for the purposes of propagating a one-sided, narrowly defined point of view - propaganda) to defend a bunch of hoodlums that would probably graffiti their grandmothers foreheads if they had the chance.

And, on further consideration of the matter, I get the sneaking suspicion this whole episode resulted from a meeting with some VERY expensive advertising firm. And that meeting started out by someone asking, “So, everyone… how do we sell more sweatshirts?”

Poser, punk bitch.

By Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Hello everyone! Beasley here. You may know me from such blogs as “The David Blaine…thing sucked balls!” and other sucks balls entries but I figured I would stop by the Hero of the Week column and talk about my own hero of the week. My balls. Gonads if you will. Hairy, hairy peices of hanging man skin and stuff.

Yeah, their not bad. Not bad at all actually.

Well, that’s about it folks. God speed.

By Beasley J Lichtensein

It’s soooo fixed….my balls that is. Oh, I mean American Idol. That sh*t is soooo fixed….my guybag. Ok, seriously, how does Chris get voted off? Somone please tell me…how my nuts look. He was by far the best singer out of everyone. I mean, c’mon. My hog is nice!

Who does the voting for this show? Are they same people who vote for our presidents? If so, then they have 3 toofs and haven’t showered in 2 weeks. And when I say 2 weeks and mean 2 weeks and 1 day. Seriously. Gross. So Elliott is better than Chris? Is that what they are saying? And Taylor, who looks like a 20-something year-old-guy with grey hair. I mean, thats just weird.

So basically, I’m not watching AI for the remainder of the season unless next week’s theme is ‘Katherine gets naked, gets water poured on her by a boobed out, drunk Paula while singing songs with lyrics that are just moans’. Oh and ‘Taylor, Elliott and the guy I lost $500 to because I bet on Chris to win, all die a slow death’. I’m in! 

By Beasley J. Lichtenstein

Well, I’m sure you’ve all seen it, heard about it, cared, didn’t care, masturbated, whatever. I thought it sucked! I mean who really cares if this guy can hold his breath?! I mean, c’mon this guy is a friggin magician right!?….do some magic tricks you cock bag!! Here’s my question; what the hell were thousands of people doing in NYC watching this thing live at the Lincoln Center? Why the hell were they taking time out of their day to see if this guy can hold his breath? The worst part is, as the camera panned through the crowd at one point, I actually saw a guy crying as they dragged Blaine’s soggy limp body out of the water! What the F?! Are you serious!? The last time I saw a guy cry over an amazing human feat was as I looked at myself in the mirror the other day after an hour long ass pounding from my roommate Eric…seriously….good times.

So this got me thinking. What the hell else is out there? What kinds of things do people do to try and break world records? So I went to the Guinness Book website and found some pretty interesting things that I just have to share.

#1 Most Layers of Paint on a Ball - what? what does this even mean? Apparently the most layers on a ball is approximately 17,994 on a baseball owned by some douche’ named Michael Carmichael from Indiana. Him and his wife had been painting this ball since 1977 and has a circumference of like 9 feet.  We also hear that this guy is now actually working on his own balls and plans on having his wife paint his gonads for the next 5 years to try and break the “most paint on a set of nuts record”. Please someone kill these two people.

#2 Largest Game of Poohsticks - Uhm, yyyyyeah. You can’t make this stuff up. The largest game of Poohsticks was played on the River Tweed from the Chain Bridge, Horncliffe, on the Scottish Borders, UK. A total of 2,313 Poohsticks were launched from the bridge to sail downriver to Paxton House Boathouse on July 22, 2000. I don’t even know what to say. Please someone tell me a Poohstick is similar to what doctors call “shit”.

#3 Longest Ear Hair - Why would anyone want this record? I know! Some freak show from India…..Ding Ding Ding!! At what point in your life do you say to yourself, “ya know, i’m gonna grow my ear hair out and break some freakin records!” Radhakant Bajpai of Naya, Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India (god bless you) has hair sprouting from the center of his outer ears that measure an incredible 13.2 centimeters or 5.19 inches. “Making it to the Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family,” said Radhakant. “God has been very kind to me.” What!?

Till next time… Beasley, out!